Its kind of surreal, this peace that I feel, it just doesn’t seem real. It doesn’t seem like it should be, but it is ALL that I see. The bills are coming due and there is no money, certainly it is not very funny! But last night when I cried out, He seemed to remove my doubt. My head sees reality, but my heart knows what will be so I slept peacefully. In spite of the lack, the Lord assured me He has my back.
I was uptight and always turn to prayer when I get this way. I am weary of my circumstances being uncomfortable for so long and when the pressure keeps me off balance I pray. My conversation was familiar as I have talked to the Lord countless times about this but something happened as I was pouring out my heart. The verse in James 1 came to mind about the double minded person not receiving anything because they are divided in their thinking. When I made the decision and spoke out loud my commitment to making my business work I got new understanding. I was allowing this familiar struggle to rule my emotions, my thinking and was unsure in my heart of what I was doing. This has gone on for months and months and it was literally as if I was being tossed around like a wave of the sea. I’d be anchored for awhile but the pressures of not knowing if and how its all going to work would throw me off and was I tired of that! I wondered where God was and why He didn’t seem to answer me allowing the pattern to continue. I suddenly saw how my heart and mind had been divided and how often I would wavier with the thoughts of giving up my dreams to go back to a dead end job just to survive.
When it gets tough and uncomfortable because of lack and inconsistent income my wrestling with circumstance can keep me from believing for what I have been seeking. Even before I got an understanding of what was happening my mind was strangely calmed by a peace that came rushing up from my belly. It took a few seconds but I couldn’t help but notice a feeling of this rushing river of peace inside of me. It was alive, exciting and yet calming at the same time. This peace did not immediately change things, money didn’t fall out of the sky and life did not all of a sudden change but I changed. I return to or remember that moment when the peace begin to make its presence known. That moment taught me why a double minded person won’t receive ANYTHING unless they have an undivided heart/mind when they ask and how I had been that way.
I have since gotten off track but am finding my way back, as I learn to be quiet and still. How do I know which way I am to go if I don’t ask? If I ask and don’t believe, then neither will I receive. I will remain where I am and not move forward from the ordinary struggle I know so well. He will tell me what to do if I listen and follow what He says and my getting off track comes with less and less frequency. This is moving forward from the ordinary to the extraordinary in Christ. This peace I feel – its very real!